#59 – A Ring by Spring

rbs1For some reason, I woke up super early on a Saturday morning, so I’m back in the basement for this movie, whose title alone makes me cringe – something about bridal deadlines just piss me off.

We see Caryn in the past, a precocious teenage girl who thinks Romeo & Juliet is lame, throwing things away for love. She’s also a messy person who has it all organized in her mind. Sure, that’s a thing.

rbs7

Caryn now in the present is at a bar for a party. Her best friend wants to get pregnant, Caryn has a boyfriend who doesn’t come to the events, so her best friend thinks he’s a loser. For some reason, there is a fortune teller in this bar, who tells best friend that she’ll have a baby soon, and tells Caryn she’ll get a ring by spring, or she’ll never get married. That’s a very sucky prediction.

So now we’re in the countdown – 62 days til Spring: Caryn is a business consultant, meeting Tom Halsey who runs a surplus college supply company that makes sense in movieland. She’s super perky and overwhelmed by being in a warehouse. She’s going to help his company, and he thinks she’s cute.

Fortune Teller Prediction #1 – Best Friend is Pregnant. But Caryn is skeptical about her prediction. She also gets a FaceTime message from her loser boyfriend, and friends think he’ll propose, but I say he’s going to dump her butt. He’s never even introduced her to his family, and she loves him, she guesses. This is a solid foundation for a marriage. Her parents aren’t thrilled.

Dinner with the Boyfriend – he’s very uber-male, where he pats a stray hair on her head, and criticizes the fact that the waiter put the spoon on the left. But called it, he dumped her because she doesn’t want to get married. “She’s not ‘marriage material'”) But that’s a valid point, as she has never mentioned that she wants to get married, like, ever. Boyfriend is played by the guy who is always the crap boyfriend in these movies. We hopefully won’t see him again.

Tom the business guy sleeps in his office, has an obnoxious ringtone, and eats generic Cracker Jack (“Cracklin Fun”) for breakfast. Tom has invited her to join their company bowling league. And she’s awful, so that’s good. And she gets her own league t-shirt. Tom has a funny uncle who thinks she’s pretty. But she also has the realization that she’s needs closure about why all her relationships have failed so off she goes to meet prior boyfriends.

High School Boyfriend Rory – He wanted someone high maintenance, and she’s low maintenance, and she didn’t believe in romance. He’s married with two kids and a sincerely high maintenance wife and he’s happy.

Oh man, we’re back with Loser Boyfriend? He’s an insurance person or something. Caryn has a friend who needs insurance, so they’re having a conversation. Loser Boyfriend still misses Caryn, though. Damnit, he’s going to come back into the picture to give Caryn the Conflicting Times.

45 Days Til Spring, she’s meeting college boyfriend Dave. Dave is in a relationship but they’re not having kids – he and his girlfriend are committed to just spending their money on themselves. Ugh. This guy is a craphole. He broke up with her in college ‘to see what she would do.’ Well, she didn’t fight for this guy, so I say she won the brass ring.

I’ve just realized that Caryn still lives with her parents.

All of Tom’s co-workers know that he likes Caryn. He wants to get serious about someone, and apparently Caryn meets all the geek criteria of this company.

Boyfriend #3 from Business School – She wasn’t in love with him, not the way he was with her. But he’s ok with it. Tom overhears and has to figure out why she’s seeing so many guys. Friend who needs insurance tells Caryn that Loser Boyfriend is missing her, so Caryn thinks maybe she’ll try to get him back. That’s dumb, Caryn. Loser Boyfriend is a turd. Tom owns a successful business and bought a new shirt for you. How long am I going to have to watch this before she figures this out? As we’re at the halfway mark, I’m guessing another hour.

Ugh…Caryn just went to Loser Boyfriend’s office to say that she Is marriage material. Ew. But they are back together and Caryn thinks they’re getting married, and pregnant best friend is calling shenanigans on this whole thing.

Tom has swoony eyes on Caryn during their business meeting. He doesn’t know she got back together with Loser Boyfriend. He finally screws up the courage to ask her out, and she has to let him know. She also seems conflicted about the fact that she states ‘they’re going to get married.’ And Tom is a lovely man who tells her to invite Loser Boyfriend bowling. Someone I don’t see “Mr. Spoon Goes on the Right” loving bowling in a polyester shirt.

rbs8Since Caryn still lives with her parents, she sees what a nice relationship they have, like now, as she sees them learning to waltz in their living room. She’s never gonna dance with Loser Boyfriend in the living room. She also tries on her mom’s wedding dress. She confronts her mom for giving up a cushy job in New York for getting married, and mom is like, girl, what planet are you on – it wasn’t a sacrifice. She says if you don’t think every day with your partner and be happy that they are in your life, then you are not going to have a happy marriage. True. Dat.

Oh man, Loser Boyfriend is WAY TOO COMPETITIVE at this bowling thing. He’s so sucky, he has to give Caryn bowling tips, and all of the geeks of Tom’s company think this dude is a jerkface, and tell Tom he should steal her away from him. Even though girls aren’t property and no one can steal anyone, I would wholeheartedly agree to this plan.

It’s Valentine’s Day, and she made his favorites – which include kale. No one whose favorites include kale is a good guy. Her plan for a romantic dinner and movie got out the window when he totally snores through the whole thing. But we also find out that her favorite romantic movie is Tom’s romantic movie, too!

Caryn asks Tom his opinion of Loser Boyfriend. We just established that Loser Boyfriend irons his jeans. Ew.

Oh, so maybe Caryn doesn’t live with her parents, she’s just over there a lot? It’s unclear. Caryn is now having hallucinations about her life with Loser Boyfriend and she’s not happy about any of them.

OK PROBLEM. Best Friend who’s Pregnant went from just announcing she’s expecting to a full 6-7 month belly in a time frame that went from January to February. Is this a bionic baby?

Tom’s favorite uncle is in the hospital with a broken ankle. Caryn and Tom have a loaded, metaphor driven conversation about wanting to be with the right person, with longing looks and he’s going to run after her in the hospital, isn’t he? Yes, he is. Outside the hospital, he has to tell her that Loser Boyfriend is a Loser Boyfriend. This realization makes her cry, because she.knows.the.truth. Girl, we all know the truth.

It’s 14 days to Spring. She’s having dinner with Loser Boyfriend at the restaurant where he dumped her a few weeks ago. My son just woke up and was reading over my shoulder. He said I misspelled Caryn. No, that’s how she spells it, as witnessed by her bowling shirt.

At the restaurant, Caryn has to give Loser Boyfriend the talk that she is breaking up with him, and he’s not that sad about it. Duh.

5 days to Spring – her Amaryllis plant has bloomed and she’s happy about it. She has decided that the fortune teller “ring by spring” thing is hooey and she’s going to live out her life by herself. She’s ok with it, sort of?

The people at the surplus company have thrown Caryn a party – she’s helped them be more productive, and it’s her last day, and that’s nice. Tom and Caryn are quoting Stephen Root’s character from Office Space, so I approve of their relationship. She tells Tom she dumped Loser Boyfriend, and he immediately asks her out, and she says no, she has to be by herself because the Fortune Teller said so. Tom calls shenanigans on that one, as do I, because this is a Hallmark movie.

The day before Spring – it’s snowed, and her Amaryllis are cold. She’s pensively looking at them eating her “Cracklin Fun” before heading off to the bowling alley. Tom’s uncle is up and walking, which is amazing for an old guy who broke his ankle. No cane, no crutches, no nothing. Seriously, it’s like time has sped up!

rbs9Caryn meets Fortune Teller in the grocery store, who is freaked out that Caryn doesn’t have a ring on her finger. They have an impromptu reading in the middle of the street. Fortune Teller doubles down on the ‘ring by spring’ but that Caryn misunderstood – she’s not destined to be single if she doesn’t get engaged by Spring, although I’m sure everyone else watching this movie interpreted it the same way so whatever, Fortune Teller.

Tom at the bowling alley is waiting for her to show up, but Caryn is too busy having The Sad Times in her car – and kudos to make-up artist for giving her non-waterproof mascara. But she shows up at the bowling alley, even if she’s having The Sad Times. Tom gives her more “Cracklin Fun” and my son just cracked the whole thing – she’s going to get a ring in the box!!! Which she just pulls out of the box. My son is so smart.

So even though Tom didn’t propose he kind of actually gave her a ring and she’s not going to be alone anymore even if they haven’t gone out for dinner or anything and they hug and they’re happy and my son says this is way too cheesy, but honestly, it’s a good kind of cheesy, and we’re done.

As annoying as Caryn was in this movie, I felt that this time, the writer really tried to give her quirks and interest beyond her main plot point (Office Space, etc) so I wasn’t too upset by her. And Tom was cool, even if his very gruff voice started to sound like McGruff the Crime Dog. So good for you, Hallmark. This one is pretty ok. I still have like 8 more movies in my queue, so don’t think I’ll be revisiting this one in a while, but maybe I will, you know, just so you don’t have to.

PS now all boys in this house are awake, and my basement has been invaded. Gotta go!

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