I couldn’t bring this movie up without watching it. (See here.) I haven’t seen The Prince and Me 2 or 3, but I’m assuming I can figure this one out. I did watch the original one with Julia Stiles and her very severe haircut. I wasn’t a huge fan of it. But 4th sequels are always better, right? Just ask Michael Caine in Jaws 4.
This movie stars the girl who played Lizzie in the Mormon (and truly horrible) Pride & Prejudice. At this stage in the saga, they are both married, and both King and Queen, so why is the title still The Prince and Me? Branding.
King Edvard and Queen Paige are living it up in Denmark. She’s a doctor, he does a lot of King things. Movie opens on their first wedding anniversary, where she has to hurry home from work and with the magic of a movie makeover montage get out of her Doctor’s silk shantung suit and into a burgundy gown for a state dinner – that is just for the two of them. Aww. You can tell already that King Eddie cares way more than Queen Paige does. Oh, and don’t get me started on the fakeness of QP’s extension of blonde curls. Aw-ful.
They’ve been invited to the wedding of Princess Myra from a made up Asian country called Sanyu. King Eddie wants to go to talk to the King about human rights issues with a local tribe called the Red Ming. Queen Paige says that he’ll need her help to talk politics. I doubt that very much, because honestly, this girl is one of the worst actresses I’ve ever seen in any of these movies. But off they go to Asia.
Queen Paige is a rebel – she gets out of her limo in order to be anointed by a little peasant girl with a floral crown. I’m sorry. The Royal Family of Denmark is that much of a draw? Not.Buying.It. And her security detail is pissed she left the car, so it’s back inside to get to the palace. King Dad is there, as is Princess Myra, who looks miserable. King Dad said there’s always time to talk diplomacy but first, we DINE! (I was immediately reminded of the dinner scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, although I am not sure why.
This is also where we meet Princess Myra’s fiance, a huge doucheturd named Ka, who makes Myra pull his chair out for him after he arrives late, and for some reason sits at the foot of the table opposite King Dad, and that doesn’t seem right, does it? We find out that they have an arranged marriage, and it’s obvious that Myra hates this creephole.
Queen Paige is outraged at arranged marriages, but King Eddie rightly states that they are guests in this distant country, so shut the heck up already. She says Eddie an awful lot, and it’s weird. She also can’t sleep, although why, since they were put in a room with the world’s largest bed, and heads out to the balcony for some air. There she observes Princess Myra stealing kisses from her very own stable boy, Alu. Paige was begged (off screen) to help Myra and Alu, and the Royal Family’s loyal retainer guy, Zorn, is not happy about this. Incidentally, Zorn (or Soren? Who cares) was seated next to this girl at the dinner party, and I’m guessing right now that they’ll end up together. Her name is Rayn, and she perfects shade looks.
It seems that the King and Queen of Denmark are the only Royals that are at this wedding. And apparently, Queen Paige has to ride an elephant, named Kayla, who is really like a member of the royal family, and clearly more beloved by King Dad than his own daughter. Paige is not thrilled to be getting on an elephant. King Eddie takes this time to talk to King Dad about how Myra is not happy, and King Dad is suitably affronted at the interference of the Westerners. In the meantime, DoucheFiance is seen manhandling Myra, and Alu runs to her defense, hitting DoucheFiance a few times. Queen Paige successfully dismounts the elephant to come see what the fuss is about, and in the few seconds of a lot of shouting, the elephant runs away. It was a sacred elephant you see, and now Alu is going to be put in jail. Oh the horror. And, of course, King Dad is more upset about the elephant’s disappearance than the fact that multiple people saw DoucheFiance physically assault his daughter. Wahoo, King Dad.
If they don’t find the sacred elephant, the wedding will be cursed. As Queen Paige thinks this is her fault, she volunteers to go find the elephant before the sun sets on the third day—or Saturday, the day of the wedding. Rayn the warrior goddess with the smokey eye has volunteered to lead them through the jungle, and off they go, with Zorn as well, to find the elephant, Queen Paige wearing a very jaunty hat.
Zorn and Rayn have a lot of banter, further confirming my theory that they’ll end up together. King Eddie has a machete and is going through the jungle and clearly thinks he’s Crocodile Dundee, until he falls down a hill and goes boom.
Cut to DoucheFiance saying to Myra that those stupid Denmarkians (my word) are never going to find that elephant, and then proves his villainy by sending the army after the quartet in order to sabotage the elephant trek. Who else saw this coming???
Queen Paige wanders off in the jungle to follow a chimpanzee. Dude, it’s called an Elephant Adventure, not a Chimpanzee Adventure. But they find a clue to the elephant, so all is well. They are now also being tracked by guys with guns, who surprise them in the cave they camped out in, and Rayn goes all ninja on them, and King Eddie is super duper impressed. He first goes to throw out all their guns, because “good guys don’t carry guns.” But Zorn is like, yeah, but what will happen when we meet the bad guys, who most certainly will carry guns?
Now we get to something I’m really annoyed about. King Eddie thinks Rayn is a great fighter, great. So with that, Queen Paige has to choose NOW to get all insecure about King Eddie’s feelings towards her, because we can’t have one movie where the heroine is upset about a guy’s supposed lack of feelings towards her. Dude, you guys are married, and keep kissing each other every chance you get. Knock it Off, Queen Paige. Plus this actress is so bad I just want to smack her. Rayn saves Zorn from a snake, even while King Eddie and Queen Paige are fighting, and since King Eddie hasn’t learned anything in the three other movies, he doesn’t listen to his wife but goes off with Rayn to scout out a bridge over the dangerous river. Ugh. Is this movie over yet?
In the middle of a heart to heart with Zorn, Queen Paige and her friend are abducted by the guys with guns. King Eddie, while up a tree to scout the river, hears his beloved wife and races off (after falling out of said tree). To the boats!
Army guys say they have to kill Queen Paige, but they do seem conflicted about it. However, just as the firing squad readies and aims, they are interrupted by a bunch of toothless villagers who know who she is because of the tabloid coverage of the Denmarkian Royal Couple. Sanyu free press loves Queen Paige!
Meanwhile, back at the castle, Myra finds time to sneak into the prison for a last good bye to Alu.
Back in the jungle, and Rayn is all about the business of tracking. King Eddie is all about the business of following Rayn. They head to a tribal village, and they are being super stealthy, until they find the elephant. Then King Eddie runs ahead and you know he’s doing the Mission: Impossible theme in his head as he sneaks around the village. But huzzah! He finds Paige, and they also meet the Red Ming, the nice people that the DoucheFiance wants to obliterate from his country. But they are nice people, but sick, so it’s great that Paige is a doctor, even if she can’t figure out why they are sick. These villagers also believe that the elephant brought the Denmarkians as a good omen. And because of this, they won’t allow the elephant to go back to the castle, so King Eddie has to compete in a village tournament for her.
Now we’re looking at Raiders of the Lost Ark. And as we’ve already established, good guys don’t carry guns, so King Eddie is super out of his league. He gets beat up by bamboo rods, until Zorn tells Eddie to ‘fence’ and not cane fight. Then it’s a fight! Dirty fighting, as Eddie just hit that guy in the nuts. But he wins. Wahoo. Zorn actually smiles. It’s very frightening.
They have to stay one more night to have a feast, and it’s all bugs and larvae. Called it!
How did Rayn keep her smokey eye from melting in the jungle humidity? Rayn compliments Eddie to Paige, and Paige is all like “Yeah, B, that boy is mine.” And Rayn says when you like someone you shouldn’t let him go. So Paige is super jealous and needs to follow her, and she finds Rayn kissing Zorn, so Paige, calm yourself down, your man is not going after the ultra cool ninja chick.
Eddie is actually entertaining the children of the village, and Paige has to eavesdrop because she doesn’t trust her husband to go 5 minutes without her presence. Ugh. King Eddie assures her that he can only love her, and you would think that after 3 movies, she would have learned that. Man she just sucks.
Back on the elephant the next morning to go back to the palace. Unbeknownst to the Denmarkians, (but knownst to us) DoucheFiance is again plotting to … be a villain. He wants to get the wedding moved up, thereby making the sunset deadline for King Eddie and Queen Paige moot. Quick question – how is Paige in a brilliant white shirt?
They come across one of DoucheFiance’s factories, one that is polluting the river and making the Red Ming sick.
At the wedding, Princess Myra stalls and stalls until the Denmarkians arrive with the elephant. King Dad is happy to see the elephant, but still thinks that DoucheFiance is a great man. But thanks (finally!) to King Eddie, King Dad realizes that DoucheFiance is … a douche fiance. Paige gets to punch DoucheFiance in the face, and he totally does a Marcia Brady “Oh, my nose!”
The Denmarkians get King Dad to agree to Myra marrying Alu the stable boy. And King Dad’s wedding speech quotes Shakespeare. For some reason, Queen Paige seems to be Maid of Honor. This wedding seems to be a mixture of a huge amount of Asian cultures, none of which seem to go together. But with the wedding Stable Boy Alu is now a future King.
Some Bollywood numbers, Zorn catches the Bridal marigold wreath, and we’re done. THANK GOD.
Man, this movie was difficult. The Bollywood number over the ending credits has King Eddie in flannel for some reason. Not sure why. I don’t get it. I don’t want to get it. What is happening????
I really hope these four people got paid well for this. Nothing can pay me for my time watching it. Oh, and Zorn, the one in the pink shirt – guess who he is?????
Younger Brother of our very much loved…Colin Firth.
Yes, this Colin Firth. So…one brother is an Academy Award winning beloved heart-throb, and the other is in this piece of crap. Guess we know who gets the better Christmas presents every year!
Anyway. I do not feel the need to watch the other 2 movies in this franchise. I frankly feel the need to scrub my brain with some super awesome acting to get away from the blond blandness that was Queen Paige. Anyone else see this one? Or any of the others? Tell me in the comments, and if anyone has any recommendations for other painfully bad movies to watch, let me know. I’ll get through them, eventually, you know, just so you don’t have to.