Has anyone else fallen down the rabbit hole of those weird serialized TikTok movies that show up in Reels on Facebook or is it just me?
There’s Mafia ones; Werewolf ones; Vampire ones; high powered CEOs getting their assistants pregnant ones. Whatever they are, there are always a ton of slapping across the face (Iike Dynasty levels of slapping), very inappropriate promwear that everyone seems to wear to “galas” or whatever, and, of course, the same actors in each one. I like to think of them like a Rep Group or Roving Theater Troupe that scours the land for estates and office buildings where they can just Mickey and Judy the Shit Out of their Terrible Scripts (and if you don’t know what Mickey and Judy is, watch any MGM movie from the 30s-40s, where they all need to just “put on a show” and it turns into a Busby Berkley extravaganza.
Anyway, yesterday, instead of writing my novel, I got sucked into part of The Forgotten Princess. Haven’t found the whole movie, so this just what happens in the first 40 minutes. I am not kidding.
The Forgotten Princess – no idea who is in it. It is a film that apparently forgot all about continuity or what happened in certain time periods. There’s waltzing and novels and people say “okay.” Plus a Zorro Mask, a Three Musketeers style Wig, and the mention of witchcraft. So.Much.Going.On.
Set in some weird country with Elizabethan dresses, there’s a bastard daughter who is the forgotten princess and 2 evil stepsisters (Harper and something). Amelia is the daughter of the King and some maid, the mom died, and the King brought her to the castle, where his Queen was NOT having it, and so everyone treated her like a very bad Cinderella. And normally, that’s my favorite, too, but this is just weird. Actress playing Amelia has a weird accent, and has Merida hair.
For some reason there’s a Lord Jackson with floppy hair who likes the Forgotten Princess, but is also being husband-hunted by evil stepsister Harper. Every one looks like they are at a Renaissance Faire, down to the floral wreath crowns with ribbons that I totally rocked in 1997.
For some Other reason, Forgotten Princess Amelia’s grandfather (who is NOT the King?) insists on her being presented and being an adult of whatever, and she gets her “own personal knight” named Logan who has a believable British accent but who is forced to do some weird cape work to turn into his real identity the Crown Prince of Cranchest (maybe it was Crancrest or Granchest – it was just that dumb) and of course it’s a stones throw from Lichtenstein. Crown prince wears a mask and has a shitty wig – Logan has cute hair. He’s jealous of Jackson, and honestly, no idea what Jackson’s deal is. He could be sincere. He could be a player. Whatever.
Jackson and Logan get into a fight and they duel and then Logan gets wounded. Amelia goes to tend to his random cut on his neck, and he’s all like, get away, I’m so scarred and hideous, and she’s like, no, you’re so great. But I’m sure I like you like that. And, because we’re not in a Hallmark movie, they kiss pretty quickly, and he’s like “You’re mine” and she’s like, “Okay?” Next day, she is telling her maid that she thinks she likes Logan, and her made is like, of course you do, have you seen him, holy crap he’s cute.
Where we leave the story is that she’s confused but excited and puts on her boots but wouldn’t you know it someone put a knife in her boot and it cut straight through her foot. She passes out. Logan and his henchman David track the maid who did it on princess Harper’s orders and then David kills the maid. And the Amelia coughs up blood which, I’m sorry, I don’t get because last time I checked your lungs are not connected to your foot.
And this is with me watching it and fast forwarding through the terrible dialogue.
Hopefully, I will find out the rest one day, just so you don’t have to.
just_so_you_dont_have_to 
This was absolutely hilarious…and I, too, have unfortunately been sucked into watching some of those tiktok soap opera fiascos. The one I saw began with our introduction to this girl who thinks being edgy is a great way to get the attention that she claims to hate. She’s walking down the street & next thing we know, she accepts a marriage proposal of convenience from Mr. Grey, the tech world’s richest bachelor. And thanks to the pesky rules of richness, we learn the I-can’t-believe-it’s-not-Christian-Grey Mr. Grey has a family that’s trying to force him into an arranged marriage with some heaux holding an AmEx Black Card & claiming to be just as filthy rich as the Grey’s.
Fast-forward a bit & we’re at some elaborate masquerade ball (I’m detecting a theme with all these unnecessary balls). Mr. Grey introduces his new fiance to his family & the aforementioned Black Card heaux. Needless to say, the fam & the heaux are pissed about a mystery fiance throwing a monkey wrench in their silicon valley arranged marriage plans!! Now this is where things get weird. Mr. Grey’s “nanna” comes traipsing in & everyone bows down because I guess this bish is super duper loaded. Black Card hooker starts presenting her with elaborate gifts (think original Picasso paintings & the Hope Diamond’s bigger, better sister). She tells Moneybags Nanna that the gifts SHE’S giving her are befitting of Nanna’s credit score, & therefore SHE deserves to marry Mr. Grey.
Being a sentimental ol’ broad, Nanna Warbucks agrees & forbids Mr. Grey to marry his lowly piss-poor fiance. Oh but don’t worry; a masked man with a mustache befitting of 70’s soft-core porn enters the ball with a large wrapped gift in hand. He delivers the gift to the mystery fiance…who in turn delivers the gift to Nanna Warbucks. She opens the box & discovers it’s a cupcake…one that could only be baked by a long-lost Michelin chef or something? And, shocker of shockers, we learn the fiance is actually the esteemed chef and creator of quality cupcakes?? At this point, I’d spent at least an hour of my life watching this trainwreck and praying for a resolution that would never come. Thank goodness I’m a gal who knows when it’s time to cut my losses & walk away…which is exactly what I did.
You’re welcome for taking you on that crazy train of ridiculousness.
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it was a whirlwind. there were twists. and turns. And how many flashbacks did you have to go through in order to get to that ending?
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