#94 – Christmas Wishes & Mistletoe Kisses

Wishes 1Hello, Everyone out there! I haven’t been doing this for a long time, because, well, life. I will say I tried. I tried to watch Christmas Dance with Andrew McCarthey and I got about 10 minutes in, had so many cliches that I started to go into sugar shock, and had to stop. Plus, as much as we might like Andrew McCarthey, he is way too old to be dating the woman who played his entitled fiancee in that movie. But I digress. I am going back into my DVR, way back to October, for this fantastically named movie starring people you’ve seen before, and it’s time to dive in while Younger Son reads his math word problems aloud next to me.  Welcome to Christmas Wishes & Mistletoe Kisses – which was also a book, apparently.wishes 2

We open with overhead shots of some kind of city with fake snow. Our heroine is over-decorating at an old-folks home, and Donna Mills is encouraging her to go be an interior designer somewhere, and she just happens to have a son named Nick who needs an interior designer because of course she does.  As she’s walking in her small home town that is equally over-decorated, she meets cute with Matthew Davis (you know, the guy from Legally Blonde and The Vampire Diaries) who of COURSE is the son, Nick, who is bah-humbing about the fact that the town shuts down for the tree-lighting ceremony.  wishes 6There’s a little boy in this, and heroine just hugged him and then let him wander around the center of town. We do not know : What her name is, Where they are, If there is a Sassy Friend, and WHY OH WHY would you let random child just RUN around a crowded town center IN THE FREAKING DARK???? Does no one at the Hallmark Channel watch Investigation Discovery? But we do know that she’s got a dad who is grizzly and encouraging.

So during this conversation, we realize that the kid is Max and its her son. She let her son run around in the dark.  My GOODNESS I hate this movie already.  The tree lighting is magical, though.

All the people at the old folks’ home are telling her to go be a designer somewhere else, and oh my, THERE IS AN OLD LADY SASSY FRIEND telling her to go for it. We also realize her name is Abby, and there’s an old man trying to fix her up with his doctor grandson.

Max’s gingerbread is just gum drops galore, and it is truly hideous. We also learn about a Christmas Pageant that is very important to child Max, and Abby says she’ll never miss anything that is important to her child, to which Younger Son promptly says, “So, you know that she’ll miss it, right?” We’ve been away from these for months and he still knows all the rules! I’m so proud.

wishes 5All of this lead up for an interior design job in a house that probably doesn’t need any kind of interior design. Nick the son of Donna Mills is a proper guy, with a girlfriend? assistant? assistant girlfriend? named Kate who he brings along for the Abby interview because he doesn’t know anything about aesthetics. Donna Mills is not thrilled that Kate is there. But Nick is thrilled that his meet cute is at his door. It’s got gorgeous black and white Dorothy Draper marble floors, and a ballroom that is being used as an office.

Kate is the Senior Vice President, who is all business and she’s a huge bitch which you know because she never puts her phone down and has the drabbest brown hair ever. She looks down on Abby because she took a break on her career to have her child, which leads to Abby giving a huge impassioned speech about why they suck and were never going to hire her anyway, and voila, all that passion gets her the job! It’s a Christmas Miracle!  She gets home to her dad and her son, to find that her son volunteered to make 200 Christmas ornaments for the Christmas pageant. Kids. They do suck sometimes. 🙂

Kate just insulted Abby’s super nice Lands’ End outfit and basically told Abby to suck it up and get her job done without bothering anyone. Can we all say that Kate is awful. And all of this happened before the first commercial break. I’m exhausted. Aren’t you?

Abby takes advantage of Kate’s absence to bug Nick about what he likes and doesn’t like. He likes modern. So it’s super great that he’s in a Georgian manor with Victorian touches, isn’t it. Abby better get moving, she’s got 4 weeks to get a whole house decorated, but she is being a good mom and keeps getting sidetracked by her son, which helps, because guess who else is helping at the Christmas Pageant? Grandson Doctor from the old folks’ home, who asks her out. Luckily her dad is also there for moral support.

Of course, the first thing she does is decorate the hallway for Christmas. Nick is “softer” when he has memories to share, but he’s a jerk when it comes talking about design, and it’s also another encounter with Evil Kate, who hates everything Abby has done, and told her that there’s no shame in quitting. She vents to her dad, and Nick overhears that, and that leads to the Thoughtful Times, which is a spin-off from The Sad Times, because we’re too early in the movie for the Sad Times. And the result of his Thoughtful Times is that Nick and Abby go shopping for furniture. At a flea market. With hot chocolate.  That they down immediately even though it’s hot chocolate and it’ll burn their mouths.

Abby is supposed to be shopping for furniture, and she’s getting distracted by knick-knacks. I swear, this woman is awful at her job. Younger Son is playing Monopoly at the coffee table against his Pikachu bobblehead. Younger Son is amazing and fabulous and dang it, Abby and Nick are under the mistletoe in the flea market. They do NOT kiss, and Nick offers her a job to work with the event planner for the Christmas Eve gala. There are Dickensian carolers singing in the bandshell in the MIDDLE OF THE DAY. WHERE IS THIS TOWN?

Nick drops Abby off at her house and meets her family. Dad is impressed. But when Nick gets back, Bitch Kate is SUPER SUPER SUPER annoyed and wants to fire Abby. Is it because she feels threatened by Abby’s blondness? Back at Abby’s house, she steps on a lego and gets the nutcracker she admired at the flea market from Nick delivered by hand to her door. You know what backstory we don’t have after all this Christmas stuff is where is Max’s dad?

wishes 7Gingerbread decorating at someone’s house, and Abby invited Doctor Grandson, and who shows up with his British event planner, who loves Abby to bits, even though Abby is super distracted by the fact that she’s not by her son 24-7, and then Nick sees Abby interact playfully with Doctor Grandson and is bitten by the jealousy bug.wishes 3

Next day, Abby and Nick have to go find even more Christmas decorations in what Nick calls the boathouse, and what is really a garage, because where the hell is the boat? Nowhere. But all these Christmas memories are creating FEELINGS between Nick and Abby, even in a dusty garage/boathouse. So.Many.Feelings.

We’re back at the Christmas Pageant prep where Abby spills her feelings to her dad. Abby is protesting too much about her feelings for Nick, and the feedback she gets from dad about getting back out there prompts Abby to go ask out Doctor Grandson. Because the feelings with Nick are too scary, so she’s going to go out with the one she has no chemistry with.

OK. SET DESIGNER PROBLEM. They are in a home with a ballroom, and it has hotel doors. You know, the kind with the bar across the middle of the door, and the prop openings at the bottom. No one, least of all a person building a Georgian manor, would have those types of doors in their house. Shenanigans! I calls it! Also, for plot device, the snow is coming down, the painters won’t be there, Abby has sent her assistant (AND SORT OF SASSY FRIEND) home because of snow, and of course, Nick is still there, and he’s going to help her decorate the 1100th Christmas tree in this movie. And he does it sans suit jacket, which makes Abby all twitterpated. And they flirt underneath both a ladder and mistletoe which seems to bring all sorts of romantic bad luck.

Assistant Sassy Friend fulfilled her duties by bringing a dress for Abby to wear on her date with Doctor Grandson, and Nick is filled with more jealousies. But it’s super awkward at their date, and you now what makes it even more awkward? When Nick and Kate show up at the same restaurant, and MY GOD, ew. And Doctor Grandson invites them to join them and its SUPER SUPER AWKWARD and awful and when will it end. Please say it will end soon.

And next day, Donna Mills is playing Matchmaker, and sends Kate on a wild goose chase so that Nick and Abby can evaluate bands for the gala. The first one is awful, but the classy ones in the suits are good, and it prompts Nick and Abby to dance together. You cannot hear the band sing at all, so I’m sure they’ll be fine. Nick then ducks out on a call with the McManuses, which to me means that Kate is going to launch a hostile takeover of this company that Nick owns.

Ah ha! Something is wrong with the McManuses, and Nick has to rush off before he can tell Abby that all he wants for Christmas is her. But now he’s going to enter the Sad Times because he has to be the buttoned up businessman in order to get what he needs for the company, and he has to stop playing hooky with Abby and Kate is rubbing her hands in glee.  (Younger Son is also calling out Kate at this point in the movie, even though he should be doing his math homework right now).

Decently, though, he does tell her he has to ignore her because he has responsibilities to his company. Kate tries to save the day with champagne, but Nick is all What Does Life Really Mean?

Abby makes it to the Christmas Pageant! Take that Younger Son! Why oh why, though, is Abby and Grandpa backstage and not sitting in the audience? They run into Doctor Grandson, and Abby says there’s no sparkage with Doctor Grandson, and Dad is all sparks are with Nick, and Abby’s like, no, dad, stop. Meanwhile, Nick is getting some belated parenting advice from Donna Mills, and it’s not really helpful. Yet again, do something that makes you happy, Nick – but really, people can only do that successfully if they are heirs to a family fortune.

Somehow, the house looks great, and Abby deserves props for remembering the tree skirts. Abby and Nick walk through the house and Nick is amazed at how great Abby is at her job. And even Kate has to say good job, which you know was KILLING her to do.

Gala Night on Christmas Eve. Yet again, who schedules these damn things on Christmas Eve? Abby and Doctor Grandson are there, and Sassy Friend is there to boost up Abby’s ego yet again, but at least Abby has the good grace to say thank you. FYI Donna Mills has WAY too much Smokey Eye, and is being the pushy mom. Nick also has to forego dancing with Abby in order to save the McManus deal.wishes 4

Who Brings a 5 Year Old to A Christmas Eve Gala?!?!?!?! Apparently, Abby’s Dad. That’s not good parenting. But Doctor Grandson is being the bigger man, and telling Abby to go after the other guy but not before he does a big dip in the dancefloor to make Nick jealous. Can we have a movie about Doctor Grandson?

wishes 9.jpgKate admits to the British Event Planner that she’s going to “make a proposal” to Nick – which British Event Planner takes as a wedding proposal, and Kate is actually saying, give me a raise and make me CFO and then I can do more work, and you can go off and do goofy things with the designer. But Abby thinks it’s a real wedding plan and she’s super upset now – but you know who swoops in to help Kate celebrate? Doctor Grandson. Happy endings for them!

But now Abby is in The Sad Times because of the misunderstanding with British Event Planner, and she goes home and sits on her couch with Max because why wouldn’t a kid stay up in the middle of the night to wait for Santa when he should be in bed? Nick shows up with violinists to plead for Abby’s hand. And voila, the magic of Christmas, and they kiss and it snows and the end.

Oh Holy Moly. What a way back into Hallmark Christmas. Pros – Fake Snow, Lots of Mistletoe, the Unreal Expectations, the Fake Trees. Cons – The VERY dumb Sad Times. But anyway, I got one down, and Younger Son finished his math homework.

wishes 8I liked Matthew Davis immensley on The Vampire Diaries, and I want him to have a nice career, but maybe not in movies like this one. Anyhoo, I watched Christmas Wishes & Mistletoe Kisses, just so you don’t have to.





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