#79 – Marrying Father Christmas

What kind of fake drama can this movie come up with? Let’s see! Final installment in the “Father Christmas” trilogy –  let’s dive right in to Marrying Father Christmas!

Miranda now lives in Boston, where she has her own interior design company, and there’s a montage of her, explaining her last 2 movies to all her clients, and honestly, TMI, girl. Draw a line! But she’s super in love with Ian and with Christmas and good for her.

Still more fake snow in Vermont, and Boston, and I’m confused about how far Boston is from Carlton Heath, VT, because how are they going to live in that cottage with her business in the city? I’m not a fan of long commutes and something tells me this one is a very long one. When is she going to buckle down and just commit to one location?

Wendi Malick has just invited some of her dead father’s friends to Miranda’s wedding. It’s weird, but Miranda is a soft touch and says it’s ok. Ian’s back at the woodpile, and struggling with his vows at the same time. Again, since he’s not chopping wood like this, I do not care for all these wood chopping scenes.

Back in Boston, there’s a guy creeping in Miranda’s building, just as she’s heading out the door. And I want to know how she manages to have such nice offices for a brand new business – is she just independently wealthy on top of all of this? Creeper is named Charles Findlay and he really wants Miranda to decorate his office, but since she can’t, he just leaves without leaving his number. Not suspicious at all.

Miranda just drove from Boston to Vermont with her window open. Yeah, that’s believable. Miranda is staying with her half-brother and their very clingy kids, and they decorated her guest room with greenery and a fireplace and it’s just too much.

Miranda has to meet with the minister in the town, and she has to go through AGAIN why she loves Christmas, and why she wants to get married on Christmas Day. Maybe if you haven’t watched the other two movies back-to-back the refresher is a good thing, but I’m.over.it. Miranda and Ian have a charming conversation about how they both have to write their own vows, and that’s just too much pressure for him.

Oh, crap, we’re back to A Christmas Carol. And Wendi Malick is being amazing, but she’s inviting more people, which makes the venue of Miranda and Ian’s cottage too small, so she says hey, have it at your half-brother’s house, with a tent outside. ON FREAKING CHRISTMAS DAY. IN VERMONT. What planet does Wendi Malick live on in this movie? But what is nice is that Miranda and Ian have a nice conversation about it – right before he drives her back to her half-brother’s house, because it’s a Hallmark movie and goodness forbid they sleep in the same house.

Oh, Creepy Charlie Findley has shown up at Carlton Heath, and just left the theater and her half-brother, Peter. Miranda must find out what’s the deal! She doesn’t tell Peter that she met this guy before, but she fishes for information – this guy has just made a sizeable donation to the James Whitcomb memorial theater and is now staying at the Inn with her future in-laws, so off she goes to confront Mr. Findley, who is in town because of her mother, the dead Eve Chester. But then they have to have a private conversation in the middle of the freaking town, and we find out that Charlie Findley is Eve Chester’s brother! Miranda has an uncle! Oh My Goodness! All of this before the first commercial break.

Miranda doesn’t believe him at all. He realizes his story sounds kooky, he just wanted to do something nice for Miranda, and then he walks away, and now Miranda is very distracted among her delightful future in-laws. But this time she doesn’t tell Ian what the problem is. Grr.

Another silver stranger has arrived, Thomas Reade, who’s a friend of Wendi Malick’s. He’s there to hug Wendi Malick, and perhaps other things? Maybe.

Miranda asks Charlie Findley how he found her – it was the article on the internet a year ago. So a few questions. 1) It’s been a freaking year, why did it take so long? 2) Why hasn’t he explained why he didn’t know his sister had a daughter? 3) Why is this mystery even in this movie?

But yay, Miranda is back to telling Ian things on the cold park bench that is basically the only one in the town. Ian has the skeptic pants on, and now Miranda doesn’t want to hear about all the rational reasons to ignore everything Charlie Findley has to say.

If they are going to have their wedding in the cottage in a few days, the cottage is severely underdecorated, and this is me saying that about a set in a Hallmark movie. As compared to Miranda’s half-brother’s house, which is decked out to the nines – see?

But they have a nice wedding dance practice to “Winter Wonderland” sung by Johnny Mathis. True fact, I didn’t practice my wedding dance until the cocktail hour at my wedding, and it all worked out fine.

How many freaking scarves does Miranda own? 

She brings Wendi Malick and her future mom-in-law to her final dress fitting – which she is doing behind a screen – this wedding shop doesn’t even have a changing room? But we are cheated out of seeing her in the dress, and Younger Son doesn’t understand the movie-ness of the big reveal at the end. Wendi Malick is steamrolling Miranda into having the wedding at her son’s house and it’s uncomfortable. Wendi Malick also says she’s having fun with Thomas Reade (Tommy) and Miranda gives her the wink wink, nudge nudge.

Ian is still struggling with his vows by the wood pile. 

Montage of Miranda and Ian delivering baskets of goodies to everyone in the town, because it’s not Christmas if they don’t deliver baskets of cookies. But meanwhile, back at the Inn, Miranda gets a package of a ton of photos of her mom which sends Miranda and her ugly sweater into The Sad Times. More and more of this movie makes me think that Miranda’s mother was a terrible mother. She never told her daughter about ANYTHING. Ugh.

Finally, Finally, Finally, Miranda fires up the Googler, but we are not treated to any of her research results until she tells Ian that she couldn’t find anything. But in the meantime, it’s the tree-lighting ceremony tonight! Yet again I wonder how long her time off is, although if she owns the business, I guess she can do anything she wants.

The hospitality of everyone in this town belies everything I’ve ever heard about New Englanders. Wendi Malick is now on the arm of her friend Tommy and even her son knows what’s up. Oh, the magic of a tree lighting to bring the whole town together. And we also find out that Charlie Findley is really Joseph Charles Findley, and he made good on the donation to the theater. But apparently Google doesn’t have info on him, but she’s determined to talk to him again and then maybe inviting him to her wedding that is in 4 days, and they still haven’t figured out where they are going to have it, or catering, or ANYTHING. Jeez, the stress of that situation is bumming me out immensely.

Ian is not necessarily on board with asking Charles to the wedding, but he just wants her to be happy, and it just cements that Ian is the best hero ever. Even when he does that fake smolder thing that Flynn Rider did in Tangled.

But we are treated to a scene of Ian in a tux, and even though I find him handsome he doesn’t look like my husband in his tux, so the magic is gone, Ian. He gets a pep talk from his dad at the tux store, and they bro-hug it out.

Miranda is baking cookies with her niece Julia, and they didn’t make a mess at all. HIGHLY unbelievable. We still have almost an hour left of this movie. Oy.

Wendi Malick is being weird with Ian, but he’s perceptive enough to give her the prod to go on a date with Tommy. This town is just too close. But for some reason, Google finally works for Miranda, and she finds out that Charlie Findley is a Pastor in a church in Northern California. Why Is This A Secret? I Don’t Get The Manufactured Drama In This Movie. Planning A Wedding Is Drama Enough. 

Case in Point – Miranda has to tell Wendi Malick to stop with commandeering her wedding plans. This is drama. Or it would be if Wendi Malick was playing it bitchy, which she isn’t so this was all stupid stuff to fill the time between the beginning of the movie and the end. But we also get the conversation with Miranda and Wendi Malick about Charlie Findley and Wendi Malick is deservedly upset about the fact that Miranda hasn’t said anything, although Miranda tries to justify this by saying she didn’t want to hurt Wendi, or distract her from her nice feelings about Tommy. And now Wendi Malick is giving the brush off speech to Tommy about how she has to focus on her family, and Tommy is like, whatever, girl, you’re full of it.

Sitting on her favorite bench in the cold is Charlie Findley. They go for a walk into the old church that has too many Christmas trees in it. But we get the story about why Eve doesn’t tell Miranda about her brother – it has to do with the fact that he was a young pastor, believing in black and white, right and wrong, and he frowned on the fact that Eve and James were in love but he was still married. He was the one who walked away from Eve, so I take back what I said about Eve being a bad mom. And Miranda is very accepting of his apology, which seems very heartfelt, and so off they go to meet Ian.

Oh, thank goodness, Ian is not performing in A Christmas Carol, but we are not saved from a montage of the performance, where the house is still bedecked in Christmas lights, no matter that it’s distracting to the audience and the actors.

Bone to pick with writers. Ian’s dad is looking at a radar doppler of a big storm coming in, and Ian’s mom is like, maybe we’ll have a White Christmas after all. Have you seen all the snow on the ground in your town, Ian’s mom? What do you call that? Plus, it’s no fun to be in a wedding dress in a blizzard. Jeez. But you know who doesn’t hate the snow? Miranda, because she loves everything Christmas, even as she runs through the snow in her suede boots.

For some reason, Uncle Charlie doesn’t want to intrude on her wedding. Sure, whatever.

Even Peter seems to think that Wendi Malick deserves a second chance at love. And Tommy shows up at her house in the fake flurry. Wendi thaws enough to invite him for Christmas. Christmas morning, they are together opening presents, which is treating the “groom can’t see the bride before the wedding” a bit cavalierly.

Time for the wedding! It has stopped snowing, and no one seems cold despite being outside in Vermont in December. And this cottage seems amazingly huge after all this time. Ian is still freaking out about his vows, and it’s almost time for the wedding and Miranda is NOT EVEN IN HER DRESS YET. And Charlie makes it to the wedding!

Why doesn’t Ian or Miranda have any friends to be bridesmaids/groomsmen?

Ian just starts crying at her in her dress, and Younger Son that dress is not big deal reveal worthy. You decide. But Wendi Malick walks Miranda down the aisle, which is nice. And now it’s time for the vows! Ian is doing it with the trembly lip worthy of Claire Danes. And the vows are nice, even though we are treated to a photographic replay of the last 2 movies. And despite giving her a white gold engagement ring, they are exchanging gold wedding rings. But who cares, they’re married!

Time for one final buggy ride in her dress, in the snow, down a lane full of Christmas lights. And we’re done with this story. I’m glad I watched them all, but I didn’t really enjoy the last two installments. Oh well, to each their own. Maybe this one didn’t have enough princesses in disguise for me? Who knows. Still have a bunch more movies on my DVR to watch, you know, just so you don’t have to.