#69 – Appetite for Love

Words cannot express how annoyed I am right now. I was 25 minutes a recap of Appetite for Love, and for some reason, WordPress has decided to delete my saved partial writings. So the awesomeness of what I wrote earlier has been abandoned to the ether, and I have to start over. Damnit.

app1Appetite for Love stars the girl from My Summer Prince, but with very severe blonde hair, and the guy from My Secret Valentine. Your thoughts on if she looks better as a brunette or a blonde? Hit me up in the comments. I come down firm on Team Brown Hair.

Anyway, Wilhemina Jones is a big city career girl, who works for a Corporate Brand Food company, one of those big generic named companies that owns a bunch of different franchise restaurants. You know she’s busy because she has 2 phones, which she juggles while getting coffee. She also has a boyfriend named Reed. The actor playing him is the one with the major chin who has played the douche boyfriend in many other movies, so you know that he’ll be the douche in this one, too.app3

Mina is given a new assignment – a small-town chain is proving hard to get under the corporate branding, so Mina has to jet off to Sycamore Springs to get the owner of the flagship restaurant under control. Wouldn’t you know that Sycamore Springs is her hometown, the dust of which she shook off her boots 15 years ago without a backwards glance. The owner of the problem restaurant? The father of her high school boyfriend. She gives her BFF just a brief run-down about how she dumped him because she had to get out of that small town, and she’s clearly NOT bitter about the fact that her boyfriend had no ambition and didn’t want to be with her after high school. Oh goodness. While Mina freaks out about this, she also has to get dressed up and go out with douche Reed before she leaves. He asks her to move in with him, and she’s just too old-fashioned to do that without being married. Reed understandably scoffs at such a small town notion – it doesn’t fit into his 5 year plan, which concludes with her quitting her job in order to raise their 1 child. Because 2 children is irresponsible. Older Son and Younger Son both tell you to suck it, Douche Reed. Or, they would if they spoke like that. We all know they are perfect gentlemen.

Anyhoo. Off Mina goes to Sycamore Springs, and you know she’s in deep country because her car gets stopped on the road by cattle and she steps in cow poop. She freaks out – I sense that she does a lot of freaking out – but can’t just drive around the cows. That would be too easy, and would not allow her to meet up with old boyfriend Clay, who helps her out with the cows, and has a great time pointing out that she has poop on her shoe.

There is no room at the inn in Sycamore Springs because of the Sweetheart Festival. YAY FESTIVALS! I LOVE SMALL TOWN FESTIVALS. So Mina, after correcting everyone else’s greeting her as “Willie” heads over to her Aunt’s house. Aunt is a crazy cat lady, who just wants to shower Willie May with love and food, but Mina is having none of it, and is rather rude to her nice Aunt. If you were in my house, Mina, you would eat your cookie, drink your tea, and like it.

Next day, Mina in her business suit heads over to the small diner that is the crux of this plot. This whole thing reminds me of that episode of Little House on the Prairie where Harriet buys a franchise of Mrs. Smith’s restaurant, has major issues because Caroline’s awesome food is no longer on the menu, and then laughs off Colonel Sanders for wanting to have a restaurant that only sells fried chicken. Don’t get me started on Little House episodes – I could go for days. No one at this diner has ever gotten back to Mina, and we find out why – it’s because the owner has died, and now Clay is in charge. And Clay is full of tension and animosity, and is NOT having this whole corporate thing at all. And I don’t know why a major corporate company bought such a small-town concern, but whatever. Plot.

Next thing you know, Mina is freaking out again, and then bumps into a passive aggressive woman named Paisley, who freaks out on her own because Mina just shows up as Paisley and Clay started dating, and Paisley is super insecure about the hold she has on Clay, and she is clearly threatened by Mina and her severe bob. She has a lot of issues, this Paisley girl.

Apparently Clay never read the deal that his dad signed with the Corporate Entity, because he’s JUST realized that if he doesn’t comply with the changes, he will be terminated. I’m assuming it just means fired, but sometimes you just can’t be too sure, in cut throat corporate America. All of the above is before the first commercial break. It’s a lot, this movie.

Clay goes to drown his sorrow at the local bar, and he tells the bartender that he broke up with Paisley last week. Paisley is a magazine rack – she’s got major issues!!!!

The presentation to the staff of the diner doesn’t go well, and the plan for the menu of the restaurant sounds dumb. Hamburgers, Hot Dogs, Ribs. Really? You know who isn’t there? Clay – he’s off fishing. And he’s also declaring his independence from the Corporate Brand by saying that Corporate owns the name, but he owns the building, and Corporate can go take a flying fish. Clay is also really bitter that she left him 15 years ago.

Clay is dying on the hill about farm-to-table restaurants, and he is really insulting to the Corporate Vendors that Mina keeps hawking – plus, he’s annoyed that Corporate will no longer allow them to serve meet rare. With all these dumbass changes, they are going to lose all their local customers. Mina is nicely oblivious to all this, and says that they will use the Sweetheart Festival to relaunch the new Diner. No one thinks this is a good idea, and no one at the Sweetheart Festival likes their new chicken dippers.

Mina is also a raging bitch to all the people she meets, including the nice girl Penny who admired Mina back in high school. So Clay challenges Mina – she has to do some kind of eat and run race, and if she wins, he’ll sell the land and the building to Corporate. Mina just has to be “The Fixer” so she can get back to Douche Reed and her plastic life, so she’s all in.

The Stuff Your Face Race Begins – Run, Eat, and Make it Back. This sounds like a heart attack waiting to happen, but off they go. Mina runs weird, but she and Clay make it to the first station where they eat gross nachos. Second station – bacon wrapped jalepeno poppers. Ew. No one enjoys these, and people are quitting the race to get out of eating more of this prepackaged stuff.  3rd station is a brownie with a ton of whipped cream, and Mina totally cheats and tries to use a scooter to win, but crashes and loses like the soulless girl she is.

No one is coming to the diner, so she capitulates and offers to serve fresh ground beef instead of frozen. This doesn’t say much for the standards of this nameless Corporate Entity. And Douche Reed just says her future at that company depends on how she gets on with this restaurant, and tells her not to overthink the fact that the food sucks. But she’s disillusioned by the fact that the food sucks, and so allows herself to be brought to the lake by Clay to go fishing. And over fishing, she tells Clay she’s got a boyfriend, and finds out that Clay and Paisley broke up. And then! they go dig up a memory box they buried when they were kids. It contains a car, a Barbie, a mix tape she recorded from the radio – – – THAT WAS A THING – – – and oh, the feels that Clay has at this moment!

Younger Son has just emerged from his shower in his bathrobe, squeaky clean and saying he’ll be quiet.

They manage to make a bonfire and he gets her a blanket, and they have more soulful glances, and she asks him why he didn’t ask her to stay. I’m sorry, Willie May, but if you make SUCH a production about wanting to leave, what do you think the odds are that your boyfriend will ask you to stay – get in the way of your dreams? Didn’t we have this plot point in that cupcake movie already? She wanted him to fight for her, and because he didn’t, she felt he didn’t care. Oh my goodness. So.many.issues. But we do get a kiss that doesn’t get blocked by anyone except Mina and her mental problems – because her life is just too complicated right now, and she makes him drive her home.

Meanwhile, back at the restaurant, she’s wearing a very ugly blouse, and it’s awkward between the two of them. Chef is undermining corporate by using their own recipes but calling them by their trademarked stupid names. Clay also wants to use the Sycamore Springs water in the restaurant and that’s apparently a liability, but Clay boils Mina’s refusal to sanction it by saying she’s still mad about the kiss. That kind of argument, in this climate, is offensive, Clay. Like Mina can’t figure out her own mind just because of your lips. Whatever. But before we can get too offended, Douche Reed shows up! He’s wearing a striped button down under a v-neck sweater AND a sport coat. WHAT? And Douche Reed proposes in a public manner, and Mina runs away. Way to go, girl!

Cat Lady Aunt tells her to figure her shit out, and so Mina comes back to the diner, and Clay and Douche Reed are enjoying their “Mina” stories. But Reed offers to stay, and calls out Mina for approving things that are off corporate policy. He says she’s like a whole different person in this backwater town. Oh, maybe she’s reverting back to the person she’s meant to be? I can’t believe I just wrote that.

Reddi-Whip has sponsored this movie – it’s all over the apple pie. Mmmmm. Pie. Mina also says she didn’t give Reed an answer and Clay is interested. And Reed just found out that Clay and Mina were a high school thing! She never told him, same as she never told him that people called her Willie. Reed and his massive jaw and dimples is super uncomfortable.

Younger Son is reading his homework out loud. It’s about Lizzie the Lizard who needs to find the flies. Spoiler alert – she does and she doesn’t.

app4On the tour of Sycamore Springs, Reed is treated to Mina’s memory lane, and he’s not a fan, but Mina is also realizing how much she likes her small town life and her small town Clay, and not her City Boy Reed. Look at all the feels in his face! He likes her in her small town life.

Oh snap, Douche Reed is going behind Mina’s back to Corporate – he even ducks out on a call from Mina to do so. Called it! You can’t trust someone with such a massive jaw. He brings her Parisian roses he had flown in special, and confronts her about the fact that she is letting her sentiment cloud her judgement, but he masks his skulduggery by saying it’s all about wanting her to be with him back home in the city. He agrees to go to the Sweetheart Dance, and she shows up to the small-town rec hall in a red lace dress, and Reed texts his regrets. The extras who are dancing in this scene look miserable. But Clay shows up with wildflowers! Yay! But rather than dancing, they play darts. Sure, whatever. She wins a teddy bear. Look how cute it is.

Food for the Heart Final Photo AssetsOff they go to the dance floor, and the montage of dancing seems really inappropriate for a public place.

Husband has just asked what’s going on with Douche Reed but I told him he needs to wait til this is done and read it later.

Why did Mina forget her small town roots? Because it was too painful to remember them. Sure, whatever. Oh, snap – PAISLEY is at the dance! She looks angry. She’s gonna do something crazy.

Douche Reed shows up and both he and Clay have manly anger at each other until Reed says all sorts of things to send Clay off into the Sad Times. (Clay’s not allowed to change the menu, he’s got a mortgage on the building, all sorts of stuff.) Mina dumps Reed’s butt, says her name is Willie and goes off to find Clay, only to see Desperate Paisley sucking Clay’s face off (although to be fair he’s not doing much to fight her off). SAD TIMES FOR EVERYONE!

app5No one back at the diner is happy to see Mina after Reed’s shenanigans, even though she had nothing to do with it. Clay is very bitter about what he sees as Mina and Reed working together to take his business, and he throws out a whole box of “High School Stuff” which Mina of course has to go through, clearly violating his privacy. But she finds a letter and a ring that he wrote and bought her way back in the day and she’s DEEP in the Sad Times.

Back Mina goes to her office in Atlanta, miserable in her pantsuit. Clay goes to sulk with his friend, and finally figures out that she’s not going to marry Douche Reed.

Back in Atlanta, Mina has a promotion but tells corporate that they’re making a mistake with their gross menu, that they should go farm-to-table. Reed pipes up that this is not his idea, and Mina tells him to shut up. This impassioned plea falls on open ears and Clay’s restaurant can go back to the way it was. (Of course, because this is a movie, and not real life). And Clay shows up at Mina’s apartment, and doesn’t care about the business, he just cares about her. He needs to be with her, y’all, and he just pops the question on the street corner and she doesn’t run away – she says Yes and they kiss on the street that is supposed to be Atlanta but is clearly Toronto.

One year later, they are bottling the spring water, the diner is full, Clay and Mina are married, the restaurant staff is counting down the days before Mina gets pregnant, and her severe bob is a thing of the past. And one final note to the costumer – she’s not wearing a wedding ring in the final picture, she’s just got her engagement ring on. Where’s her wedding ring???

Ok. This one is over. I did not enjoy it. But I do want to go to a Sweetheart Festival, with my own sweetheart who reads all my blogs. But I watched it and got through it – just so you don’t have to.




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