#51 – William and Kate

wc1Apparently there are two different Will and Kate movies, and this is the one I could find on TV. Not quite sure how I missed this one back when it was on before the first “Royal Romance” but this does mark the first time I’ve seen this particular piece of cinema. In the spirit of royal fever, as it seems to be everywhere, I decided to take a look back at this film, and already it gets a step up from the previous “Royal Romance” just in the fact that they’ve cast a very handsome Wills, who has lovely hair and a strong chin. It’s unfortunate that Wills had to lose his hair as he gained maturity, but that just goes to show that Royals! They’re Just Like Us!

Anyway, Prince Charles is being played by the guy who was Barnabas Collins in the early 90s retread of Dark Shadows. It opens with the first year Wills attends St. Andrews in Scotland. Wills is very excited to be a normal person in a normal university, but then he’s greeted by mass of screaming girls with “Marry Me, William” signs. Sure. Normal. Kate’s first scene is going for a run. See, that’s normal. Well, normal for some people. Not me, but sure, there are those people out there.

Will has a single room as a first year. Is that normal at uni in Scotland? He also has a neighbor who shows up in a tux and top hat, offering to be his Wingman. He’s gross, because he’s just hoping to get Will’s cast-offs. Ew.

Kate does not have a single room, and her room is full of girls wondering about William, and there’s one friend who is bitchy and has to remind all of us that the future King of England will not marry a commoner, he’d have to have someone with a pedigree, like those show dogs that show up in Unleashing Mr. Darcy. My son reminded me that the sequel is coming up next month, and he’s actually…no. I won’t lie. He’s not excited about it in the least. Anyway. There’s always one person who has to be the bitchy one and who has to point out how aristocracy works.

Will attends a lecture in his art class on “Great Masters of the 19th Century.” Sounds boring, and later on, we find that it is boring to talk about brush strokes and the variations of yellow. But whatever. He’s got a group project to do, and Kate is in his group. But we also find out that Kate has a boyfriend? Did we know that? Ever? Is this true? Oh, and we already hate said boyfriend because he called all of William’s family ‘bonkers.’ Who the F says that word? Seriously.

Apparently W & K both had the same gap year project in Chile, building houses. It also comes out that W missed class because he had to go to a state dinner with his gran. As you do.

We hit a pub in Scotland, complete with bagpipe-y music. Kate and her boyfriend have a lot of PDA in this movie. The bitchy girl is also there and makes straight for William. It’s annoying that there’s always that one brittle bitch with the great blow-out who has to be the desperate one. You know she’s gonna show up later to give Kate self-confidence issues about dating a royal, all in the name of being helpful.  Ugh, writers…get something else!

wc2Through working on their art project together, it looks like W & K have a nice friendly relationship. W is not very happy at St. Andrews because he misses his friends, because even with all the people around him, he’s not got a friend. But suddenly it’s Christmas Break! Kristin Scott Thomas shows up as Kate’s mom, and Kate’s homecoming is lovely and happy and completely at odds with the very silent, servant-watched lunch that Will has with his dad and brother. We.Get.It. The Royals are Emotionally Stunted, in need of middle-class love and acceptance in order to be truly happy. I feel like that is the plot of every single romance novel I’ve ever read in my life, not to mention every single one of those “Prince in Disguise” movies I’ve written about.

Over Christmas break, W calls K and she tells him to transfer his major from Art, and to find what he wants to do and do it. That is lovely advice, K, but it smacks of being a pampered daughter of rich parents. There are a ton of people out there who cannot ‘find what they want to do and do it.’ But since she’s talking to a freaking Prince, I guess he can do that too, in a way. She’s also watching Royal Wedding, the one with Fred Astaire, but it’s not the scene where Fred dances on the ceiling, so why do we care. The whole point of this scene is to showcase how caring Kate is.

wc9Now we get to the famous St. Andrew’s Fashion Show for Charity (why is that a thing?) where Kate comes out in the infamous see-through dress. I feel like it’s much shorter in the movie than it was in real life. W’s huge jaw hits the floor and he makes his way over to talk to her. She confirms that he did change his major from Art to Geography, and thank the freaking lord, because what good is an Art degree to a future King? OR ANYONE THAT IS NOT GOING INTO ART OR GRAPHIC DESIGN OR WORK IN A MUSEUM? Sorry. As a recipient of an English BA, I get a lot of flak for having a useless degree, but I completely cede the floor to those art majors out there who aren’t actually going to paint anything.

wc10Anyway, W confesses he’d like to be a pilot, and she’s again very encouraging, until W goes in for the kiss, and she’s all, “What are you doing, we’re just friends.” And he responds with “Well, it’s a friendly kiss.” DUDE. That is not a thing. Plus, her boyfriend is in the freaking room.

Lifetime is showing commercials for Girl in the Bunker, which is frightening and stars Elliott from E.T., and my 7 year old heart is breaking that Elliott grew up to play a sadistic murderer who keeps children in a box in the ground in the forest. Oh, and it’s based on a true story, and now I need a hug so that life won’t seem so awful.

Let’s do more escapism with a real life fairy tale instead.

Kate’s douche boyfriend wants her to change colleges and go to Oxford, and basically gives her the “if you stay we’re breaking up ultimatum.” And she says “I know” so you know that totally backfired on douche boyfriend. We just found out that guy’s name was Trevor. Whatevs Trevor. Kate is now looking forward to a weekend with Prince Charles!

wc21It’s not that special – it’s a very awkward breakfast where everyone is in ties and formal dresses eating eggs. Apparently they are off shooting, and Kate can handle a shotgun – she’s the only one to bag a bird. It’s very Downton Abbey. Kate is charming to Charles, but questions how many times she has to change her clothes. Again, it’s very Downton Abbey.

2nd year of college – Will’s living in a flat with 2 girls and a guy – and one of those girls is Kate. Wills is struggling to do his share of the cooking – apparently lasagna is not his forte. He also stares longingly from across a crowded party room at Kate, who can’t figure out what the hell is going on. She does discover that his part-time girlfriend is no more, which leads to a romantic kiss in the rain that is clearly on a soundstage and not outside in any place English.

This kiss leads to more kisses in his flat room, which leads to a closed door in the camera’s face. OOOOOH, Wills!

wc22They play it coy on campus, but they are doing the hallway sneak at night, her in the trope of wearing his button-down shirt. I am amazed the other flatmates don’t know what is going on – oh wait, they do.  And now Kate brings Wills home to meet her family, who are so fabulous and unaffected that they immediately go out into the garden for some football, and Wills loves that they watch tv in their pjs over breakfast. How perfectly  normal!

Kate is trying on dresses for Wills’ birthday party at Buckingham Palace. It has an African theme. It’s like that wedding scene in Working Girl. Kate also states that they are on the DL officially, because he doesn’t want the press to hound her. But this status makes her feel neglected at his party, and Bitchy girl from the beginning of the movie, fulfilling her role of making Kate feel like crap. At least Kate’s friend calls her out for being the bitch, but that doesn’t make Kate feel better about the fact that Wills is seated on one side of the table, and she’s off with the losers at Table 9. It also doesn’t help that he had some other girl blow out his candles with him. That’s not a euphemism, they had a cake at the party. Kate leaves in tears. Shame, it was a pretty dress.

Back at school, she’s experiencing the sad times, but is working hard to get over them. He wants to keep them private, blah blah blah, but she isn’t having any of it, so he resorts to sending a private plane for his flatmates and taking them skiing in the country of all those other Hallmark Royal Christmas movies. But Charles is there too, and Kate is doing that thing where she’s being charming and making Charles not seem like a complete ponce. WOW, my British is coming out super strong.

Oh my goodness, Wills is singing karaoke to Kate in front of a whole bar of people on this ski trip. WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!?!?!? She’s eating this up with a spoon, though. And on this ski trip, the press find out that they are dating by some nicely timed PDA. Which of course leads to Bitchy Girl from the Party being all super sweet to Kate. So obvious. Kate is not having it, though. She does find out that being on the front page of the tabloids sucks.

Year 3, they are living together in a cottage near school. He drops the L word while they are studying in front of the fire. I don’t think they’re getting much studying done. That was a very quick year, because it’s now time for graduation! Voice over newscaster says it’s time for Wills to propose to Kate, but he can’t hear voice over, so that doesn’t happen.

Now they are adults – she has a job in some kind of fashion house, Wills is in the army. Is that what her art degree allowed her to do – coordinate a blue dress with a pink scarf? Carole shows up to help out her daughter – she’s wearing the most god-awful hat – WHAT is going on with her? She also asks, is this the life you want, and what’s up with you being all about Wills, when he should be all about you? You know what, Mom’s not wrong here. Except about the hat. It’s an awful fur marshmallow of a hat.

Montage of a lot of flash bulbs, and awkward Kate getting in and out of cars, which is not a graceful thing at all. The scrutiny is way too much for her, but Wills can’t do anything to protect her, and Charles won’t spring for a bodyguard.

Kate is getting curtsying lessons in preparation for meeting the Queen. She also gets lessons on how to get out of a car without letting her hooha showing. It’s practical advice.

Will’s douchey friend is telling him to live life, don’t get tied down, and that he’s wasting his life being with a lovely girlfriend when he could be shagging the local slut from down the pub. Will listens because of COURSE he listens, we still have 30 minutes to go in this movie.

Mr. Sheffield from The Nanny is Will’s helicopter instructor. Sure. Why not. He’s got one scene. I hope he was paid well. In the meantime, Kate is trying to live her life, and she’s getting annoyed that her life has been all about William, and the press has started to call her “Waitie Katie” because British press loves to rhyme things. He’s doing a lot of “bro” things and she’s waiting by the phone. Her girlfriends are trying to tell her to move on, but she’s in denial, but is super pissed when he tells her that he is going to do more helicopter training and won’t be around much.

He says he needs space, and she breaks up with him, and is crying in her tiny bathtub while the tabloids say she’s close to suicidal. Mom is saying get the hell out of your stinky pjs, Kate, and get out there and show how fabulous you are – the press will see how happy you are and maybe Will will figure out what he’s missing. Meanwhile, Wills is stifled doing all sorts of royal things that require him to wear a uniform. It also gives him the Sad Times to see Kate looking happy in the tabloids, so what do you know, Mom Knows Best! (That’s what I keep telling my boys, but they don’t listen.)

Kate is now doing something on a rowing team that requires her to shout at a lot of girls. She also misses Will, but won’t state it out loud. Wills is so desperate that he rings Kate’s mum. And now he’s watching news footage of Diana and her death. Dude, get out of this spiral! BUT! Wills finally stands up and tells Charles that he should have done more to protect Diana. I really would like to believe that this type of conversation happened, but I don’t think it did.

And in the grand tradition of rom-coms, Wills races to the river where Kate is doing that rowing thing to scream out how much he loves her. He threatens to jump in the river, so she dives in instead, but KATE – you are on a freaking boat – they could have rowed you over there in like 2 seconds. WHAT THE HELL, KATE!!! But he loves Kate Middleton, and awww, the rowing team approves.

Stock footage of Africa happens in this movie. The budget clearly didn’t spring for a safari.

It’s Proposal Time! The green-screen sunset is gorgeous. No dialogue, just dumb show proposal, and they hug in the sunset.

AND THAT’S HOW THIS MOVIE ENDS. MY GOODNESS. WHAT A CRAP ENDING.

Overall, this was not great. It did show both of them as relatively human, wanting normal things. We were saved by not meeting the Queen in this one, and it’s pre-Camilla, or at least, she’s absent, so that’s also a blessing. As for Kate and Wills, I think they are, in reality, nice people, who just want to live a good life, do good things, and have cute kids.

wc8

I am not sad that it took me this long to watch this movie. I’m kind of sad I watched it today, but whatever. I do what I have to do, you know, just so you don’t have to.

 

 

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