As any good parent, sometimes you must take one for your kids. As a former employee of a major kids’ television network, most of the time, it’s not a hardship for me to sit through what my kids watch, and even though there is a brand-new Hallmark movie on at the same time, I am bravely blog-watching the Nickelodeon offering for this season, Tiny Christmas, starring the girl from Henry Danger, and the other girl from 3 guys named -Icky, and Dawn. And the Production Designer is named “Tink.”
It starts with a small family of dad and daughter, who have just moved to a new house right before Christmas. Apparently the mother is dead, and they are very far away from the rest of their family. Emma, the daughter, is bummed, and dad is light-happy putting up decorations. Seriously, they just moved in and they have more things happening inside and outside of their house than I do, and I’ve lived in my house for 14 years – and I love decorating for Christmas!
Elf station on Christmas Eve – do we have a weird elf who likes to tinker, like Hermy from Rudolph? Yes we do, only instead of wanting to be a dentist, this one has invented some kind of shrink ray goggles. And with one setting, the goggles give you an Orange Mohawk. Is that political commentary, or am I just over-trumped with all the news going on?
Because dad wants to cheer up his daughter, he’s invited the “closest” relative – who is their fourth-cousin, a redneck girl with a HUGE fanny pack. After a bunch of obvious, “wow, this girl is weird” incidents, we get to the meat of the movie – when techy nervous elf gets overwhelmed dropping presents off at Emma’s house. He shrinks a bunch of stuff, including Emma and her weird-ass but also kind of cool, cousin. Because plot, they are carried across the street to the weird neighbor who has even more decorations on her house, but apparently no children, and the two girls are left there, while techy elf runs back to Emma’s house to retrieve magic goggles. If they don’t get unshrunk before dawn on Christmas morning, they will stay like this!!!
As this is a live blog – I’m loving the commercials. One for Jumanji 2 and one for Star Wars The Last Jedi. 2 more weeks!
Techy Elf has just rung the doorbell at Emma’s house with “Elf-o-gram” and I’m struck by the amount of picturesque snow that is on the ground, but not on any of the streets or walkways. I want to live in a town like that, where I won’t have to shovel.
Back at crazy lady across the street’s house – it’s all strange camera angles and big props because they are tiny and crazy lady is big. Oh, and she has a cat wearing a santa outfit.
I do have to give props to these two girls – they are not horrendous in this silly movie – they are at least committed to what they are doing.
Kooky cousin is trying to disengage from Santa cat. And commercial on a cliff hanger.
Why is there a “shorties” version of Lip Sync Battle?
Can a cat’s head really fit into a cardboard tube? This movie says it can. And this one sounds like Donald Duck. But shout out to Production Designer Tink for having a major plot point get resolved by the singing fish on a plaque. Can’t believe that was a thing.
To get away from the cat, Emma jumped into a decorated box of kitty litter that was in the middle of the dining room. Who keeps kitty litter in the dining room???
The cat’s name is Tinsel Paws.
Oh, crazy lady is sad because her kids / grandkids aren’t there…Do you think that the two girls are going to invite her over on Christmas morning because they realize she’s really nice and her kids flaked out on her? Just guessing.
Emma has tried to get her attention by writing “Help” on the floor in jelly beans – and crazy lady thinks Tinsel Paws did it. But now the two cousins are reunited – with less than 2 hours left before permanent shrinkage.
Apparently Techy Elf’s name is Elphonso, which is the greatest name for an elf, ever. Although, he’s not trained to do anything but invent pointless things. He’s having a crisis of conscience in the middle of the very clean street.
The Hugh Jackman movie The Greatest Showman looks good. Please don’t suck.
The girls are calling the dad on crazy lady’s phone, but of course he can’t understand them because they’re TINY! And apparently he has duck slippers. Like full blown, ducks in flight on your feet slippers. Where does one even think about purchasing them?
Oh, crazy lady’s family is snowed in wherever they are. Because plot.
Crazy lady has a chocolate countdown calendar and even though it’s Christmas eve, she hasn’t eaten any of the candy, until now, because again, plot. And before she eats one of the girls, she sees them and runs out screaming. But it’s snowing out there (except not sticking on the street because it is a movie after all, and not a movie about the brave men and women who run snowplows.) I really do want to move there. I hate shoveling.
Girls have commandeered the drone present and are flying it back to Emma’s house. I don’t think that’s how drones work. But with a major tug of war with crazy lady and Elphonso, the drone has crashed into the snow and we’re in the last 30 minute home stretch of this movie.
“Where are you, Em?” asks Dad. Because he’s looked in one room in their large house, and can’t find her anywhere.
Oh, no, Emma, you just hurt your fourth cousin redneck girl’s feelings because you’re stuck in the snow. Not cool, Emma. But they have a heart to heart and now they are friends again. Oh, life, if only all confrontations could be solved with four sentences of dialogue.
Oh, crazy lady. You take time to confront the weird elf, get riled up about the fact that they stole that drone, and now your son can’t get to you because of a blizzard and now Christmas is ruined. Because clearly, if he really loved you, he would have flown out a day earlier when there was no snow. Methinks I see a beautiful Christmas day with crazy lady and girls after they are unshrunk!
They are confronted at the open window by the creepiest fake elf-on-the-shelf ever. Whoever invented that thing is the devil.
The girls have 10 minutes left to get unshrunk. Goggles are in the Christmas tree, and they are walking through the Christmas village. There is also a Christmas train, and they are going to get run over by it if they don’t hustle! They are wasting so much time being “cute” and having dialogue, there were at least 4 times they could have crossed the tracks.
This is taking way too long.
Elphonso is back in the window, and Dad is awake, and hi jinks ensue!
The two girls just said, “Let’s Christmas, like a boss.” That is going to be my new catchphrase.
They have to signal the dad – i am thinking that the orange mullet hairdo ray from the goggles is going to come into play. Elphonso just tackled the tree like Will Ferrell in Elf. Whoops.
Do I need a Google Home Assistant? I think I do. It’s available at Wal-Mart.
The girls jump off the toppled tree onto an ugly Christmas sweater. And now Dad knows. 42 seconds left! Elphonso has the goggles…and they are unshrinking with 20 seconds left. But no orange mohawks. That was a thing that went nowhere. Bummer.
Elphonso is going to Maui, because it’s still Christmas Eve there.
Girls invite Crazy Cat Lady and Tinsel Paws over. Called it.
Who gives a microscope without a box? It’s probably broken. How are you going to return it? Where are the instructions?
I HATE the thing where boxes are wrapped with a lid on them so you don’t have to tear the paper to open them. It’s such a soap opera thing. Ugh. That, and people who carry purses that clearly have nothing in them at all. Seriously, prop assistant, it’s not hard to put some crap in the bag to actually make it look heavy.
And family picture with matching pajamas, and Done.
There you go. Tiny Christmas is done, and I watched it for you. You’re welcome.
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