#56 – Marrying Mr. Darcy

So today was a busy day. Lots of stuff at work, and I wanted to just relax a bit after dinner. Netflix had the Winona Ryder Little Women, and I decided to watch that. Big. Mistake. As a mom of two boys, there is no way in hell that one can watch Little Women without constant interruptions, wondering “Who’s that?” “What’s going on?” and most importantly, “How did Beth die? Isn’t she dead yet? Wait, now she’s dying? What’s she dying of again? Isn’t it scarlet fever?” At one point, one of them thought that Winona Ryder was playing a character named Joan of Arc. So there’s that. Luckily, that movie is short, and they watched American Ninja Warrior so I could go off  to my hidey-hole in the basement to watch the epitome of Hallmark Movies, Marrying Mr. Darcy.

Not to be confused by the many fan-fics of the same name, or even the card game (which I may have played…and won). This is the sequel to the Pride & Prejudice with Dogs that I reviewed a while ago, and I’m Super.Psyched. Here’s hoping it’s good because I purposely didn’t read up on this one. Whole cast is back, even, apparently, those weird King Charles spaniels.

Obligatory NY city shots before we head over to Vancouver. Lizzie is back, getting free baked goods because she tutored the baker’s daughter. She’s dating Darcy, looking for a job, and just got invited to a picnic in the park with the dogs and Darcy. They are sitting on one of those benches that has the divider in the middle to prevent homeless people from sleeping on the whole thing, and they are sitting on either side of the divider. To me, if they’re stupid in love with each other, I don’t get this direction. Don’t sit with a divider unless both of you have really weak elbows. They are just saying how much they want to stay like this forever. Is a proposal coming? He gives her a box and we all think it’s a ring, but there’s a collar for the dog in the box, but WITH THE COLLAR is a very nice engagement ring. Down on one knee, and Darcy can see clearly for the first time because Lizzie is in his life. Awww. She’s speechless, but finally says yes. But their chemistry here is not all that lovey dovey. 

The entirety of Lizzie and Darcy’s family (mom, sisters, neighbor that Lizzie lives with) are all over the moon about the engagement, and in the happiness of wedding planning, Lizzie even agrees to patch things up with Frances Fischer’s Lady Catherine – Aunt Violet, to whom they haven’t spoken since the end of the previous movie. She’s contrite, and offers to apologize to Lizzie, which she does off-camera. Then Lizzie gets another phone call, and her ring tone is the Wedding March. Dude. you just got engaged. That is craziness, Lizzie. The call is for an interview teaching 9th grade history at some kind of academy with a Dutch name, so you know it’s old money NYC.

Darcy is at his office and the Bingley (what’s his name again?) just gave him some good advice – don’t assume that Lizzie is going to do something – you always have to clear it with her before making plans. Duh. I feel like that is something everyone should know. He does take this advice.

Aunty Violet is not that happy with the happy couple, as she tells Zara, the Georgiana of the story. She would have preferred Darcy marry some princess of Belgium Do they even have royalty in Belgium? But she seems to be convinced when she sees Darcy and Lizzie dancing on the rooftop terrace. She brings gifts – a pearl pendant, family heirloom. Why do I think it’s bugged? Violet also wants to help with the wedding planning.

Lizzie’s mom, who owns a wedding dress shop in DC, is super excited as well to help plan – she gives Lizzie an amazing binder for wedding planning. I’m all about the binder. However, Violet swoops in, announcing that she’s booked NY Grace Church for the wedding! Lizzie has her heart set on November, but surprise! Violet booked it for June. So here’s the issue – wedding planning in 2 months. Thank goodness Lizzie’s mom owns a bridal shop. Lizzie wants a small wedding, but it doesn’t look like that’s a thing that will happen.

King Charles Spaniels look like The Joker in a certain angle.

Why does Lizzie need a theme for her wedding? Who needs a theme? I don’t get that. But then, my program was a literal Playbill at my theatrical wedding, so maybe I should shut up.

Foul! Lizzie just called her dessert a macaroon. It’s a Ma-ca-ron. I once had to say this word over 40 times in one day at a trade show. I know of which I speak.

Have to say that they are both happy and in love and I’m rather bored with it. It’s easier when they are actually fighting over their Pride and Prejudice.

Aunty Violet keeps bringing up ‘family heirlooms’ with a snooty glance, and she has prepared a guest list of 400 people. So much for the small wedding Lizzie wants! Darcy’s idea of a small wedding is 250 people. They have banter, and Darcy is cute, and they agree on 150 guests.

Next scene is Lizzie interviewing at the Dutch school – and while she says she’d love to work there, bossman says “we’re seeing a bunch of very qualified candidates.” Seriously, that’s what you say at the beginning of an interview? Why did you even bother calling? Bad writing! Lizzie get a homecooked meal from Darcy after this bad interview. He’s too good to be true, right? The best thing about Darcy is just how awkward he is.

Lizzie’s dress is so boring. Aunty Violet can’t stand the idea of Lizzie wearing a dress off-the-rack. She has a designer in her back pocket, and she browbeats Lizzie into getting out of the boring dress and into a meeting with this designer. Lizzie is not happy but she does it anyway. And then she gets surprised by Darcy saying that there’s a board meeting with his charity, and ta da! Lizzie’s also a member of the board, and she needs to get there pronto. Darcy didn’t ask her to join, and he forgot his friend Bingley’s advice about asking Lizzie to do stuff. I would have been pissed off at this too. She is completely blindsided by this board meeting and Aunty Violet thinks she totally sucked at the meeting, and tells her a) she totally sucked at the meeting and b) how dare you think you’ll be able to be a teacher once you’re Mrs. Darcy. Lizzie is understandably upset by this challenge to her core identity – because a teacher is what.she.is.

Darcy is trying to tell Aunty Violet to politely back the f— off. But Aunty Violet is perfect at the guilt, and she politely tells Darcy that she’ll be nice, but somehow, again, I don’t believe it.

What are the odds that the fancypants designer sketches out 2 dresses, and one of them is the exact same dress that she tried on at her mother’s shop? Since we’re in a movie, the odds are good, because that’s what happens! But she picks the other one because she feels the peer pressure. The stress is getting to Lizzie and she is freaking out to Darcy and he’s nothing but patient and helpful and always says “Is there anything I can do?” because whoever wrote this is living out every single man fantasy ever within the confines of this story. Aunty Violet shows up and says the guest list has to be 200, the reception is at a ballroom in a hotel, and here’s a 10 page treatise on what else has to be done for the wedding.

Darcy wants to take a month off from his job for the honeymoon. He also wants to surprise Lizzie with the trip. Has He Learned NOTHING?? But in order to take a month off, he has to work a lot more, so he’s going to be absent from most of the wedding planning – as witnessed by the fact that he missed the cake tasting. I love cake, but no one goes to weddings for the cake, do they? Lizzie doesn’t seem to love any of these cakes. We cut to commercial and we’ll never know if they pick the chocolate with fudge and gold leaf, or the vanilla with the white ganache. Oh, wait we do find out – she picked vanilla. BORING.

Lizzie gets a second interview at the Dutch school and she gets the job! She has to start August 26th. But when she calls Darcy, he can’t talk to her, because he’s busy planning the honeymoon suite in Rome.

Score one for Lizzie – she gets buttercups (her sentimental favorite) and white lilacs from Provence over Aunty Violet’s desire for just white flowers. And then they head to the hotel, to pick china, stemware, table linens, and chair coverings. They dance together and Aunty gets the misty-eyes looking at how they happy are, and finally Lizzie shows more backbone and picks all her dining pieces while Darcy runs off to talk to the director of the Louvre. You know, as you do. Aunty is impressed that Lizzy puts her foot down, so I’m confused as to her motivation now.

BONE TO PICK WITH THE WRITER. Darcy’s charity is all about a new recreation center for children. Great, right? They are groundbreaking in Westchester County, NY. I might not know a lot about this county, but I do know that I’m pretty sure those kids don’t need an afterschool place for enrichment, as they are probably going from tuba lessons to fencing practice to dressage rehearsal every day. In a word, a rec center in Westchester is about as useless as me in a tap-dance solo. (Pretty useless). Build in someplace else, Darcy! Duh!

Running question throughout this movie is that Lizzie encourages Darcy to give up his job at his family company to do charity work year round. Guess who’s not on board? Aunty Violet!! But we also find out that the board members didn’t think Lizzie sucked at the meeting, just Violet did. But Lizzie is also worried that Darcy is pulling away because he’s just working so hard for his money.

The dress that she doesn’t like has blush elements and is so pretty. But Lizzie still hates it. She doesn’t feel like her in it, and she talks to herself and no one hears her. She runs to Darcy and asks why can’t we just be two people who are in love – let’s just elope! And he’s kind of okay with it, but nothing gets decided because he has to work so much so he can go to Europe. He keeps Lizzie waiting and she’s upset. She’s the opposite of Rosemary in How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying – go see it, it’s good.

Oh my goodness Darcy’s pants are WAY TOO TIGHT. She’s over there saying that she loves him, but they’re supposed to get married in 3 days, but it’s just too fast. And she needs time alone to think. She could have said that in a voice mail. She runs back home (literally across the street) and now she’s crying while he’s pleading for her to open the door. Bingley and Jane tell Darcy that he has to tell her about why he’s been working so hard, but he’s like, she won’t talk to me, what do I do?  DARCY – YOU NEED TO LLOYD DOBLER THE CRAP OUT OF THIS SITUATION RIGHT NOW.

Aunty Violet shows up at Lizzie’s to apologize for being a gigantic turd and says that Darcy needs her. But she still doesn’t call him. Enter mom, giving magic advice, and Darcy texts her to meet up at the park. He’s finally ready to Lloyd Dobler this thing, but to me, it’s a little late. So she decides to come. And yet they still sit on opposite sides of the bench. He comes clean about the honeymoon plans, and he says more magic words – I was wrong. He also decides to give up his day job and stick with the charity. They also decide that they’re going to completely change their wedding in 2 days time to make it the “City Garden” theme. And Vancouver is schizophrenic, because the trees are both pink blossoms of spring, and orange leaves of fall. But with the magic of movie montages, their wedding is ready, and she’s wearing the off the rack dress from her mom’s shop. Her hair is boring, her dress is boring, we get it, she has simple tastes, but you couldn’t even put a sparkly barrette in that hair?

The kicker is the small garden wedding was the night before the big society wedding – so they had the best of both worlds, major compromising, and yay, no one has to worry about the fact that those deposits weren’t going to get refunded at that fancy hotel.

AND THE END.

So. Lots here. First one was better. Dogs were in it but not the main plot, so that’s a plus. This Mr. Darcy is one of my least favorites, but what about you? Who’s your favorite? Hit me up in the comments and tell me why!

1995? 

2005? 

2013 (Death Comes to Pemberley) 

Or this guy?

Sorry to this guy, because he’s not awful looking in the movie, but this picture is just.the.worst.

Anyway, I watched Marrying Mr. Darcy and didn’t have to answer questions about who was who, and why we cared about why Lizzie is upset. But now I think I should go hug my boys, and maybe tune in some Star Wars. But I’ll be back to clean out the rest of my DVR on some choice June Bride movies, you know, just so you don’t have to.